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What Fantasy World Are You Living In?      Share

 08 June 2010

It has yet to hit your workplace, but it’s only a matter of time.  The “it” is the phenomenon known as fantasy football.  This joyous time of the year is most noticeable on Monday mornings as a successful fantasy owner is gloating how he picked up Jabar Gaffney from the waiver wire and got 12 points from him.  If you have every wondered what is the waiver wire or who the hell is Jabar Gaffney, then this shall be your first of many lessons into the cult following of fantasy football.
A fantasy football team generally consists of eight players/ point scoring entities: a Quarterback, two running backs, three wide receivers, a tight end, a kicker, and a team defense.  A player earns points based on actual performance on the field such as scoring a touchdown, kicking a field goal, or intercepting a pass.  Some fantasy leagues have individual defensive players and varied point scoring structures.  Believe it or not, some people make a living peddling this stuff!
There are a couple of rules that one should follow if one decides to participate in fantasy football:

Rule #1:  Your team name should be fun or at a minimum degrading to one of the other fantasy owners.  There is nothing worse than a team being called “team [insert last name]”.   Why the hell are you evening participating in this league you unoriginal bastard!  I feel sorry for your kid because he’s probably named John or Joe and has your unoriginal genes.

Rule #2:  Be on the lookout for “That Guy”.  That guy is the ringer in the fantasy league and spends countless hours strategizing his draft and weekly lineup hoping that by pouring over mind numbing statistics he will be at a competitive advantage.  That Guy could be lurking everywhere, except in the sack with his wife because fantasy football is the only positive outlet to his shitty existence.

Rule #3:  Talk smack!  Honestly, the friendly or unfriendly banter is what makes fantasy football fun.   If World of Warcraft is your cup of tea, pretend, just for a moment, that you are “Leeroy Jenkins”.  It’s quite liberating!

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End zone:  The two ends of a football field that are usually a different color than the rest of the field and displays the home team’s name and/or nickname.  The goal in football is to get the ball into the end zone.

Touchdown:  An act (rush or forward pass) whereby the ball crosses the goal line and gets into the end zone.

Extra Point: The act of kicking the football through the yellow uprights immediately after a touchdown.

Field Goal:  kicking the ball through the yellow uprights resulting in 3 points. 

Tackle:  Stop the player holding the ball from advancing toward the end zone

Interception:  A pass caught by the defenseSafety:  The act of tackling the opposing team inside their end zone.  This is the only means by which a team can score points without actually having the ball